Thursday, January 31, 2008

Stick it up The Man

Welcome back, my loyal drones. Did you miss me? Well I missed you. And to show how much I adore you, today's post is the first in another series of topics this time called "Stick It Up The Man". You might be thinking that the phrase is actually "stick it to the man", but I feel that sticking things up The Man is more gratifying.

I'm going to be blunt here. I hate stop lights. I hate stop signs. I hate stop lights and stop signs. Sure they have their usefulness. Channeling traffic, preventing collisions, etc. And for the most part I tolerate them. However, you may not know this but stop signs and lights are just another way The Man is keeping us down. Lets start with stop signs. The "law" is, when you come to a stop sign you make a complete stop, wait for three seconds or until the road is clear (whichever is last), and then proceed through. Doesn't sound so bad, right? But the thing is, you have to stop even if there is no one around. Recently I started taking every opportunity I could to stick these signs up The Man's ass by rolling through vacant stop signs. I dont speed straight through, but I slow down to a cautionary speed and roll right on through, just as if the sign said Yield. Aw the Yield sign. The world would be a far better place with more yield signs. What does yield mean exactly? It means use your F'ing brain, think for yourself, and stop being a sheep. Yield means use your eyes and your common sense to judge for own damn self whether you need to stop if there are other cars around. If not, just roll on through. This also brings me to stop lights. Now I cant really argue that we should replace stop lights with yield signs. Big intersections are just too packed and busy for that. However, there is one hidden hammer that The Man has been beating us senseless with for years. The left turn arrow. Oh how I hate thee. I have spent too much of my life sitting at the red left turn arrow. The straight light is green on my side and the straight light is green in the oncoming lanes. There is no one coming in the oncoming lanes for miles and the "law" tells me I can't make the turn. Well no more! Along with rolling through stop signs, I have been taking every opportunity to lead by example and wake my fellow motorists from their mindless obedience by turning on these red arrows. If Im in the front of the turn lane, and there is no one in the oncoming lanes, I'll stick that left arrow right up The Man's tight ass and hit the gas. Hell, sometimes I'll go out of my way to make a left turn. Even if I'm not going that way I just can't pass up an open lane. Cuz every time I roll through a sign or drive through an arrow, I get a little bit of freedom back. And it feels oh so good.

Don't be The Man's bitch anymore. Join the resistance. Roll on through and make the turn...just make sure the fuzz ain't watchin.


Camille said...

i applaud ur plight. i too am often frustrated by unnecessary stops. however, i dont so much have to worry about that while at school in manhattan as driving is non existant in my life. ANYWAY- carry on with ur agenda but do keep us posted on any consequences you face. next time im driving, ill try to also stick it UP the man.

Jimmy said...

fuck the man. fuck whitey. fuck him long and hard. and over and over. and not passionately either, but with hate. make whitey regret getting you down!

now on to the stoplights/signs. i find it weird how everyone here comes to an absolute complete stop. now im not saying i wont completely stop, but i mean if there is no one there, it's all about rolling right on through.

as for the left turn arrow, under your recent encouragement and eye opening theorires during xmas break i have been intentionally running lights and making deals with jesus that there are no cops around.

last but not least, this is similar to stop signs, but right turns on red. i mean cmon why stop for that if no one is coming. once again role right on thru. stoopid indianan's. stoopid man. stoopid whitey!

Andy said...

I'll be honest. The rolling-thru the stop sign thing doesn't seem THAT rebellious to me. Isn't that called a "California-stop?" Although, i think I heard some people from Oregon or Arizona call it their own form of stop too. I like yield signs better too, as long as they aren't in a blind spot.

The turning on the red arrow bit, I must say that certainly takes a large bag of peanuts. I never know if that thing above the light is a camera, a power box, or a dead pigeon.

Years of commuting in little traffic eventually changed me into a more "casual/lazy?" driver. I was cautious, but knowing the roads and staying alert, the "middle line" becomes very irrelevant. I'm sure Jimmy has the same story. I guess knowing the roads is the way I beat you and him to his place. Wasn't necessarily speed, as I'm sure you both drove faster and more furious, tokyo drifting.

Coincidentally, I just rented a car on my own (first time renting a car on my own, woohoo) with my friend to go to Whistler recently. It was my first time driving in a bigger city environment too (as I've never driven in SF). And I must say, here is where I will have to disagree:

In Vancouver, in many places, we don't have left turn lanes or left turn lights. There isn't enough room in some of the tighter roads. But this system SUCKS. It slows you down EVEN more. Because you just have a blinking green light and people stopping in the fast lane, waiting to make a left turn when it's clear or during the 2 seconds of orange. If there is a bus or someone turning right or parallel parking on the right, you're gonna be stuck waiting for both of 'em.

I think the ideal thing is to be able to drive on open, uncrowded roads and also to be near places you need to go. I'm a "driving-optional" kinda groovy guy.

And that's the tune that I dance to.

keep the hits coming, DJ Tsumi.

Jimmy said...

you don't know driving until you have driven down the wrong side of the yellow line on a curvy country back road going excessively fast.

i don't know if mix master tsumi (coming at you live in the mix) necessarily meant all left turn lights are evil. i mean they are necessary every now and then. i think he was arguing moreso about how stupid it is to HAVE to wait at the light when there is absolutely no traffic whatsoever under penaltly of financial rape

Christian said...

Thanks for comments guys.

I dont think Andy was actually disagreeing, james. Seems the problem in the great north is that the streets lack a left turn lane, so when you do want to turn, you have stop in the main lane and wait for an open spot while backing up traffic behind you.

Also, your radio lingo brings to an announcement. Cogswell is starting an internet radio station and I applied for a show with my roommate as a co-host. We want the 11 pm to 1 am shift but we havent heard back yet. I'll keep you posted.