Thursday, January 31, 2008

Stick it up The Man

Welcome back, my loyal drones. Did you miss me? Well I missed you. And to show how much I adore you, today's post is the first in another series of topics this time called "Stick It Up The Man". You might be thinking that the phrase is actually "stick it to the man", but I feel that sticking things up The Man is more gratifying.

I'm going to be blunt here. I hate stop lights. I hate stop signs. I hate stop lights and stop signs. Sure they have their usefulness. Channeling traffic, preventing collisions, etc. And for the most part I tolerate them. However, you may not know this but stop signs and lights are just another way The Man is keeping us down. Lets start with stop signs. The "law" is, when you come to a stop sign you make a complete stop, wait for three seconds or until the road is clear (whichever is last), and then proceed through. Doesn't sound so bad, right? But the thing is, you have to stop even if there is no one around. Recently I started taking every opportunity I could to stick these signs up The Man's ass by rolling through vacant stop signs. I dont speed straight through, but I slow down to a cautionary speed and roll right on through, just as if the sign said Yield. Aw the Yield sign. The world would be a far better place with more yield signs. What does yield mean exactly? It means use your F'ing brain, think for yourself, and stop being a sheep. Yield means use your eyes and your common sense to judge for own damn self whether you need to stop if there are other cars around. If not, just roll on through. This also brings me to stop lights. Now I cant really argue that we should replace stop lights with yield signs. Big intersections are just too packed and busy for that. However, there is one hidden hammer that The Man has been beating us senseless with for years. The left turn arrow. Oh how I hate thee. I have spent too much of my life sitting at the red left turn arrow. The straight light is green on my side and the straight light is green in the oncoming lanes. There is no one coming in the oncoming lanes for miles and the "law" tells me I can't make the turn. Well no more! Along with rolling through stop signs, I have been taking every opportunity to lead by example and wake my fellow motorists from their mindless obedience by turning on these red arrows. If Im in the front of the turn lane, and there is no one in the oncoming lanes, I'll stick that left arrow right up The Man's tight ass and hit the gas. Hell, sometimes I'll go out of my way to make a left turn. Even if I'm not going that way I just can't pass up an open lane. Cuz every time I roll through a sign or drive through an arrow, I get a little bit of freedom back. And it feels oh so good.

Don't be The Man's bitch anymore. Join the resistance. Roll on through and make the turn...just make sure the fuzz ain't watchin.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Stopping the problem before it starts

Its time to kick off the new year and semester with a much anticipated new update. And as a little bonus, I'm introducing a new recurring feature called "When I'm King..." in which I will let you all know in advance of some of the changes you'll have to get used to once I am the all powerful and unquestionable lord and master of everything everywhere. Fasten your seatbelts, here we go.

When I'm King, there will be no unwanted teen pregnancies. There will be no starving children in Ethiopia. And we will finally stop feeling guilty every time we see those "for the price of a cup of coffee, you can help this little girl get an education" commercials. Why? Because none of those will exist anymore. How? Mandatory birth control. Let me elaborate.

Its sometimes painfully clear that some people just should not have children. Ever. I'm talking primarily about families or parents that are either abusive or do not have the means of adequately supporting a child. Thats where my knights and I step in. Every couple that wants to have children must be approved to do so by passing a series of evaluations. These evaluations examine the couple's income, living situation, extended family, substance abuse history, mental state, and general wellbeing among other things. If we decide that the couple is capable of raising a child in a reasonably non-threatening atmosphere, then they will be a approved. I should make it clear now that it would be by no means hard to pass the test. This is simply to keep the obvious people from having children. People like 13 year old girls, heroin addicts, people who can't even afford to feed themselves, pedophiles, physically or verbally or sexually abusive assholes, and others. This is by no means a campaign to cleanse the world of the impure (man that felt weird to type), its about protecting those who can't protect themselves. The kids.

The only question is how to do it. There needs to be someway to ensure that the only way to get pregnant is to take some pill or shot or something that only the administrators have. For most of their lives, the rest of the population (just one gender I suppose) would be completely sterile. Free to have as much sex as they want without ever worrying about the worst STD of all.